Monday, May 24, 2010

Watching the Flyer's

Here i am sitting and watching the Flyer's with David. I think they are going to win. So what am I thinking about? I am thinking about passing another fitness test, as I eat ice cream and Chex Mix, yeah great combination. I am thinking about whether we should try to have another baby, and if we d, when we should start to try. I am 33 now, and 35 is quickly approaching. I don't particularly want to be pregnant past 35, too many issues then. I don't think it is a problem, but I know doctors like the Advanced Maternal Age label. Since I already have enough 'strikes' against me obstetrically, I think I don't want another one added to the mix. Doctors don't like VBAC, or turning breech babies, and now with a stillbirth under my belt I think I am enough of headache as I am now, definitely don't need another label.

I am pretty sure David wants to finish school first, and I understand why, but I think I have valid reasons to try now instead of waiting.

Less than a month until I out-process this base and then only a week after that and we start our long trek across the country. Craziness. I can't believe we are moving to Alaska!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

"I have been having some anxiety this time. I never did with the others, so I don't know why I do this time. I jsut feel different, so that worries me, but maybe I feel different because it is a good thing? This is my first pregnancy that is being managed by midwives instead of an OB, so maybe my mind is thinking things will go better, but you know how we are as humans, different is bad.

I am not really feeling consistent movement, and since this is my 4th, in theory I should feel it more. I don't know how my placenta is attached, so maybe it is anterior and that is why I feel less movement. And some babies just aren't as active inutero. I don't know. I keep having weird dreams that don't help thematter, like the baby has no legs, or the bottom falls apart the way GI Joe dalls do, yeah not realistic AT all. Maybe I need not visit with my Dad's frined who really doesn't have legs until after baby is born.

ON the other hand I have good dreams. Like I go into labor, it is gentle and takes a while to realize that it is the 'real dea' and I end up delivering at home without any complications."

Read more:

I posted this on my Due Date Club when I was still pregnant with Colm. I posted it April 3, 2009. I guess my feeling was right :(

This is something I posted on December 27th "I am not too worried. But for some reason I just have had an off feeling about this pregnancy. Part of that may be because it is so early still."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

A year ago today

Well, it has officially been a year since I delivered Colm into this world. We had a little party at home. We bought a cake and had a candle with the number one. It wasn't really his birthday though, since he wasn't due until September. I think that we might call it his feast day instead of his birth day.

I really wanted to let some Sky Lanterns go to remember him, but they didn't get here in time. I ordered them on April 26, so I thought they would get here. Maybe one day before we leave for AK we will let them go over the beach.

My friend Miranda added to my collection of Colm's name in the sand. She went to a place called Honeymoon Bay. The picture is gorgeous.

I feel like maybe we should have done more. I just really miss him and want him back.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Ten Months

It has been 10 months and 3 days since my little boy was found to be dead inside my womb. Ten months and two days since he was delivered into this world. I miss him just as much today as I did that day.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

It has been a while.

Wow, I didn't realize I had been so delinquent on posting a blog. Things have been going a lot better. I still miss my baby boy, a lot. I wonder often what he would be doing now, for sure he would be smiling and laughing, rolling over, maybe starting to sit up on his own. I miss who I never will get to meet and see become a little boy.

Other parts of my life are going so well though. I finally passed my fitness test last week! Thanks to my father and his 'crazy' diet. I have lost 35 pounds and over 8 inches from my waist! I never thought it would be possible. I ended up getting a 78.3 on the test, I am so excited.

We are moving to Alaska in the Spring. That is so exciting too. I am so excited to have a change of pace, and get to meet a wonderful family that I have been friends with since i was pregnant with Caroleigh. Our daughters are just bout the same age. She is such an awesome person and I can't wait to meet her in person.

I think I want to change the layout here a bit, maybe make that transition I talked about in the past. Finally start to make my blog more about us and not just my grief.