Maybe this is why?

Today I took time to do stuff with the kids. I helped Mikey with his homework, we ate dinner together, Caroleigh and Mike helped me bake some paleo cookies, we did story time. We also picked up everything and I vacuumed, so definitely more productive.

And then they go to bed and I feel so damn sad. And maybe that is why I don't do it. I sit here and think about my one baby I will never do anything with. I will never hold him again, he will never listen to me read stories. I will not get to kiss his booboos or hear his laugh. He is nothing. He is just a dream, and sometimes a nightmare.

I never got to really even feel him move that much because of my placenta. It was always a wondering if that was him or not. I have nothing good to hold on to and remember him by, just regrets of things i can never change. I will never know why he died. I will never know anything. And I can't wrap my mind around that. He is just gone and gone and gone. He is nothing. Nothing but a boy in a box. A dead box, barely a memory.

I wish he had lived just a little longer, been born and I could have seen him, with his cute cheeks and his eyes, which I am sure were beautiful. Just a few more weeks and he could have lived, he could have been born and lived. I wish I knew what happened so I could know how to keep it from happening again.

Sometimes I think I want another baby. And then I know I can't. I don't know what happened to Colm, it could happen again. And so along with my baby I mourn the chance to have the birth I have always creamed of having. To have my wonderful midwives there with me, to have my just born baby placed on my chest. To hold it wiggling and squirmy, warm and soft and wonderful. I will never experience that sensation, because I am much to terrified to go through it again.

So being with my living children reminds me of everything I will never have with Colm. And I don't want to do it because I don't want to be sad. Doing nothing is easier.

On and on....

Each day seems to go on and on and yet I get nothing accomplished. There is so much that needs to be done and I just can't seem to make myself do it. Last week I was sick, and in a way I was happy to be sick because I was able to stay in bed for two days without any guilt about not getting stuff done, not playing with the children. Today was such a gorgeous day, I should have gone to the park with the kids. I should do so many things, and I just never get around to them. Of course by the time I feel guilty about it, well then it is 9:30 at night and the kids are all in bed.

Next weekend we are going to my cousin Tommy's house, so at least then we will make some memories for the kids. I think I need to make a memory goal. One a day or something. If I don't help create happy memories, then they will only remember me as the boring mom who loved the internet more than she loved her children. Is that the mom I want to be? I don't think so, and yet I spend many hours doing just that.

So, I guess here is to a better tomorrow. Time to stop living my life in the cyber world and get out and live it for my children. Create a future of happiness for them.

The question is, can I do it?