It Doesn't Get Easier

Every year, will it be like this every year? Will my Mother's Day be forever tainted by the feelings I have right now? The Saturday before Mother's Day I knew he was gone. I just knew. I thought I felt him move on Mother's Day, but it wasn't him, just some muscle spasms. False hope and nothing more. He was dead inside my womb, he was gone. And now I have that to remember how I as fooled. Damn false hope. Trying to convince myself that my baby was still alive while knowing he was gone.

I have other children. Yet, I can't find a way to feel happy about them. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and all Iw ant to do is be in bed. Please. No church. All the babies and the "Happy Mother's Day" wishes. How can I be happy when the anniversary of my son's death is in less than a week? How?!?!?

May 9, 2009

I posted this the Friday before Mother's Day 2009.

"Is it possible to hate your uterus?"

"Because right now I do...lol.

I can't feel the baby move, so of course I worry. Even though when they listened with the doppler last time and he "ran" away from it, which I didn't feel at all, I still am worrying. I have never not been able to feel the baby at 20+ weeks.


Blah, as much as I love my placenta for nourishing my child I am very disappointed that it decided to grow on the front of my uterus."

I already knew, I am sure I did.