Drowning in sorrow

That is how I feel right now, like I am drowning in sorrow.  Colm was due this week coming up, either the 3rd of Sept or the 6th depending on who you asked.  He was due in less that a week.  Both C and E came about 1.5 - 2 weeks early, so he most likely would have been here by now.  I would be on my maternity leave, he would be sleeping in his co-sleeper next to my bed.

His small, lovely, warm body to cuddle with, his wonderful baby smell.  I will never get to experience holding him warm and breathing.  Never.  

I want my baby boy back.

Back to work tomorrow.

And I don't wanna go.  I am sure I Will be in trouble about that missed class, will most likely have to take it this week.  I am not looking forward to any of it.  I still have not 100% decided what I want to do.  I know what I WANT to do, but not sure if I can if it is even feasible.  I guess I should just be willing to see what happens.  Not be afraid to go for it, and see what happens.

So there is the 'safe' decision and the 'go for it' decision.  Both have pros and cons.  One means big changes, that could be pretty exciting, fun and fruitful.