Sunday, July 26, 2009

Disney...and more

So on Friday the 17th as I was getting ready to leave for the day was informed I should not be allowed to go on my leave because I missed my 'fat girl' class. No, that isn't the official name, it is properly called the Healthy Living and Body Composition Improvement Program. I have been on ths progra, since Oct '06 and have yet to find any benefit from it. I only fail my fitness test because f my weight, and the information had not changed in 3 years, so really I don't feel like I missed much. At any rate I was about 3-4 minutes late, so they put me down as a no-show and the squadron commanders policy is no leave if you are delinquent on the class.

I broke down and cried in front of my flight commander. I already feel that I was robbed of time to heal and recover from my loss, and then this. It was too much, I told him I wasn't gong to re-enlist and that I jsut can't handle this anymore. I also said something about commandrs at any level being willing to take a stance for their members and that mental health is more important than worrying about getting in trouble about someone missing a class. He went and spoke to the squadron commnader and worked out a deal, I could take the trip to Disney, and woul dhave to be in the HLP class on July 28th if it was available, lucky for me it is full, so I get to take my full 2 weeks of leave!

I had fun at Disney, but the last day was hard. Thinking of Colm and how I was able to have so much fun because I wasn't pregnant. I was able to drink at Epcot, I was able to walk and not be in a lot of pain. I was able to go on rides. And I had fun, but at waht expense? I would rather have my baby. I would take the aches and pains of being 34 weeks pregnant over the fun anyday.

Dave and I met up with my Aunt and Uncle anf their son at Epcot. It was nice to get to see them. They made a good point about the re-enlistment. I think I will do it, and put up with the junk if I have to. If I fail the test and they seperate me in Dec, well then I will get severence. I guess it would be worth it.

Life is just so crazy. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't want to be in the military right now. I need time for me, time to heal, time to figure out what is right for us now. I don't get that. I get pressure and worries about fitness and running and losing weight. I get more of the crap that I often wonder if it led to Colm's death. Did I push myself too hard, did I eat enough, was my body starved from the weeks before I got pregnant, from all the exercise and eating too little calories, was I just not able to properly sustain a pregnancy. My enlistment is up in Sept, so I need to hurry up and make up my mind. And I just don't know what to do.

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