Not too bad

Work was okay.  A few looks, you know like someone wanted to say soemthing, but didn't know what to say?  I prefer that.  I would rather someone not mention it then to say something stupid or hurtful.  And, unfortunately, even the most well meaning people say hurtful things sometimes.

I saw my medical record though.  I didn't know a 24 week stillbirth could be coded as a 'missed miscarriage'.  Or that my 24 weeks of gestation ended at 20 weeks.  Yeah, my records are wrong.  So now I have to go and figure out how to get them amended.  Mostly it wouldn't matter.  But, if I PCS to another large medical facility where I have OB care on base, well then it might matter.   Really, although both are emotionally difficult, both are devastating and life altering, a miscarriage and stillbirth are not the same.  Doctors look for different things with a stillbirth, different causes, different treatments for future pregnancies.  I can't stand when people don't do their jobs right.  I told the doctor more than one time that I was 24 weeks, so why as it wrong?  Could part of it be that he already decided what he wanted to do about my leave?  Could it be that if he changed it to 24 weeks, then he couldn't justify sending me back to work after just 2.5 weeks?  Who knows.  But, I can tell you it is frustrating.

So tomorrow i get to go to the 'fat girl' class.  The one I have been going to once a month for 3 years, yeah that one that doesn't help me in anyway at all.  Fun.  I get to sit there with all the other fat people, get the pity looks from the nutritionist and exercise physiologist.  Have someone else refuse to acknowledge the significance of a 24 week lose.  Answer questions I don't care to answer.  Do a 60 minute spin class, because my profile expired.  Fun.  All because I have to worry about my career because I might not get to re-enlist.  Nice.  So not looking forward to that.  Oh, yeah and it is during lunch.  Great.

Okay this is really negative.  I hate being so darn negative, but I am just feeling so beaten down.  I have to be 'happy' and put on my game face for work.  I know in my head I can be sad, cry, maybe they will send me home, but that isn't ME.  I don't do that.  I lose my baby, and now I might nose my career all because of a disease I can't control.  If I had a bum knee I could get a waiver for that, but you can't get a waiver for weight because that is the disease of laziness.  God, I am far from lazy.  I work hard and my body doesn't' cooperate.  I WANT to be thin, heck I would be happy to be 150 pounds.  I want to pass that damn test.  I HATE being a failure.  That seems to be me right now, failure.  

I need to be positive to have a positive attitude and push myself to do what needs to be done. I will, I will push myself, but I am so afraid that it won't work again.  That I will be so good, eat right, exercise and still not lose the weight.  I don't know if I can handle that again, right now, so soon.  It is too much pressure.  Just too much.  The future of my family rests on this one damn test.  Did I mention I was told today I would have to take it in July?  Yup, just finished six months of pregnancy, but I get 42 days to get in shape and pass the test.  I know I can't lose 30 pounds in those few weeks.  That isn't even safe.  So I am screwed from the get go.  I don't even know how well I could run by then.  Why does all of this have to happen now?  Talk about stress.

Oh, and the Pollyanna in me keeps thinking'  "Well, they thought you were 20 weeks.  If they *knew you were 24 they would have more compassion, more understanding."  But, Pollyanna is dying inside me.  I have always been able to find a silver lining, there was always a positive spin, but they are harder and harder to find these days.  I just feel so beat down.