The past few days have been tough for me, just sad and crying a lot. Not full out sobbing, just getting teary eyed for no apparent reason. Then I remember and reality hits me in the face, I am the mother of a dead baby. And I miss him, and I am jealous of the most ridiculous things. I see a pregnant woman and I am okay, sometimes a newborn baby boy is difficult, but not too bad. No, I am jealous of the other mommies of dead babies, some of them have better pictures then I do, some of them got to hold their baby when it was still living, some were not afraid to touch thier own baby so they held their tiny little hand. I am jealous of other mothers of dead babies, how can that be? We are suppsoed to stick together, none of us had a good experience, none of us had sunshine and rainbows with the birth of our precious little bundles, yet I am jealous. How messed up is that?
Then too I don't know what to think about how I grieve. Some women in my situation are so angry and hold on to that anger. I am angry, but I don't know where to direct it. At God? At Colm? At myself? At David? There doesn't seem to be a good outlet for that so I let it go. Some barely function in life, they have anxiety attacks and can't go out of the house. I don't feel that way. Yes, I cry, but I am not hysterical like I thought I would be before this happened to me. When I thought of other women and how they deal with the lose of their baby. I always thought I would be crazy with grief and I am not. So I feel awkward as Mikey would say. I feel like I am not doing this right. I shouldn't be able to smile and laugh. I should cry. And I do cry, but I laugh more. I smile, I feel happiness, but I feel like I am not supposed to know happiness since my baby is dead. I am supposed to have infinite sadness, yet I don't. But, I do. I am sad. Some days are hard and sadness prevails, but mostly I am happy and function very well.
I think, maybe I should go to Mental Health, but I don't know what they would do for me. I talk about COlm, we love him and he is precious to us. But, do I need to talk to someone else? What would they provide? Happiness? I have that. Peace of mind? I doubt I will ever have complete peace since we don't know why he died. Eh, I just don't think talking about him with someone I barely know will help me anymore than talking about him here, or with my friends and family. Maybe I don't feel like I need professional help because of my close family and my good friends?
I don't know. This whole process is just so new to me. I miss my baby. I want my little boy back. But reality is he is gone and I will just have to wait to see him. But I really, truly miss him.