Weekly seems like enough, maybe?

Well, last week I was working on my project for my nutrition class.  I finally finished it up today.   

The past few days have been tough for me, just sad and crying a lot.  Not full out sobbing, just getting teary eyed for no apparent reason.  Then I remember and reality hits me in the face, I am the mother of a dead baby.  And I miss him, and I am jealous of the most ridiculous things.  I see a pregnant woman and I am okay, sometimes a newborn baby boy is difficult, but not too bad.  No, I am jealous of the other mommies of dead babies, some of them have better pictures then I do, some of them got to hold their baby when it was still living, some were not afraid to touch thier own baby so they held their tiny little hand.  I am jealous of other mothers of dead babies, how can that be?  We are suppsoed to stick together, none of us had a good experience, none of us had sunshine and rainbows with the birth of our precious little bundles, yet I am jealous.  How messed up is that?

Then too I don't know what to think about how I grieve.  Some women in my situation are so angry and hold on to that anger.  I am angry, but I don't know where to direct it.  At God?  At Colm? At myself?  At David?  There doesn't seem to be a good outlet for that so I let it go.  Some barely function in life, they have anxiety attacks and can't go out of the house.  I don't feel that way.  Yes, I cry, but I am not hysterical like I thought I would be before this happened to me.  When I thought of other women and how they deal with the lose of their baby.  I always thought I would be crazy with grief and I am not.  So I feel awkward as Mikey would say.  I feel like I am not doing this right.  I shouldn't be able to smile and laugh.  I should cry.  And I do cry, but I laugh more.  I smile, I feel happiness, but I feel like I am not supposed to know happiness since my baby is dead.  I am supposed to have infinite sadness, yet I don't.  But, I do.  I am sad.  Some days are hard and sadness prevails, but mostly I am happy and function very well.

I think, maybe I should go to Mental Health, but I don't know what they would do for me.  I talk about COlm, we love him and he is precious to us.  But, do I need to talk to someone else?  What would they provide?  Happiness?  I have that.  Peace of mind?  I doubt I will ever have complete peace since we don't know why he died.  Eh, I just don't think talking about him with someone I barely know will help me anymore than talking about him here, or with my friends and family.  Maybe I don't feel like I need professional help because of my close family and my good friends?

I don't know.  This whole process is just so new to me.  I miss my baby.  I want my little boy back.  But reality is he is gone and I will just have to wait to see him.  But I really, truly miss him.