Monday, June 29, 2009

Weekly seems like enough, maybe?

Well, last week I was working on my project for my nutrition class.  I finally finished it up today.   
The past few days have been tough for me, just sad and crying a lot.  Not full out sobbing, just getting teary eyed for no apparent reason.  Then I remember and reality hits me in the face, I am the mother of a dead baby.  And I miss him, and I am jealous of the most ridiculous things.  I see a pregnant woman and I am okay, sometimes a newborn baby boy is difficult, but not too bad.  No, I am jealous of the other mommies of dead babies, some of them have better pictures then I do, some of them got to hold their baby when it was still living, some were not afraid to touch thier own baby so they held their tiny little hand.  I am jealous of other mothers of dead babies, how can that be?  We are suppsoed to stick together, none of us had a good experience, none of us had sunshine and rainbows with the birth of our precious little bundles, yet I am jealous.  How messed up is that?

Then too I don't know what to think about how I grieve.  Some women in my situation are so angry and hold on to that anger.  I am angry, but I don't know where to direct it.  At God?  At Colm? At myself?  At David?  There doesn't seem to be a good outlet for that so I let it go.  Some barely function in life, they have anxiety attacks and can't go out of the house.  I don't feel that way.  Yes, I cry, but I am not hysterical like I thought I would be before this happened to me.  When I thought of other women and how they deal with the lose of their baby.  I always thought I would be crazy with grief and I am not.  So I feel awkward as Mikey would say.  I feel like I am not doing this right.  I shouldn't be able to smile and laugh.  I should cry.  And I do cry, but I laugh more.  I smile, I feel happiness, but I feel like I am not supposed to know happiness since my baby is dead.  I am supposed to have infinite sadness, yet I don't.  But, I do.  I am sad.  Some days are hard and sadness prevails, but mostly I am happy and function very well.

I think, maybe I should go to Mental Health, but I don't know what they would do for me.  I talk about COlm, we love him and he is precious to us.  But, do I need to talk to someone else?  What would they provide?  Happiness?  I have that.  Peace of mind?  I doubt I will ever have complete peace since we don't know why he died.  Eh, I just don't think talking about him with someone I barely know will help me anymore than talking about him here, or with my friends and family.  Maybe I don't feel like I need professional help because of my close family and my good friends?

I don't know.  This whole process is just so new to me.  I miss my baby.  I want my little boy back.  But reality is he is gone and I will just have to wait to see him.  But I really, truly miss him.

1 comment:

  1. The grieving process is so different for everyone. No one should be judged for how 'well' they grieve. Enjoy the happy moments, respect the sad moments and know that there will be some of both.