Time

I know there will never be enough time to heal my heart.  There will never be a day that I don't think of my beautiful son and long to hold him just one more time.  There will never be a day that I don't wish that something had been different.  There will never, ever be enough time.

I want to tell my story, to tell all of it and to let the world know how I feel.  Yet, at the same time I don;t want to seem whiny and irrational, like a child trying to get attention.  I want to talk about how it feels knowing that no one else, not even my husband understands how I feel, just as I don't understand how he feels.  I want to shout to the world how rudely I was treated by my doctor, and how wrong I feel it is the way I am treated by my work.  

Why do I realize that it is birth, why can't they?  Why is maternity leave only for those who have a living baby?  Why am I expected to return to work less than three weeks after I delivered my child into this world?  Because I didn't take him home?  Because he didn't breath?  Because his little heart stopped beating at 24 weeks?  My pain is still real.  I still feel the effects of giving birth, and I still need time.  I need all the time in the world, and I will never ever get it.

Is it possible?

Is it possible to be TOO angry to write?  I guess it is because that is how I feel.  I wrote about it on my message boards, I guess for the feedback, to know i was not nuts in thinking I was wronged.  But, to write it here makes it real and the reality sucks.  I don't know if there is anything I can, or want to do about the situation though.  It is wrong, it downright sucks, but I don't know the regulations, I don't know what governs the rules in this situation.  And who is the ultimate decision maker.  And I don't know who to talk to to find out, and I don;t know who to talk to to make a change for the positive.

Bleh

Today not so great.  I feel like I am so high one minute and then in the dumps again a little while later.  It was church that did me in today.  I just felt so sad and lost.  I started to feel like I just needed to leave, but I couldn't.  Evie was being a little noisy so Dave took her to the back.  Caro and Mike were in children's church and Pat was pretending to be sick.  So I was all alone, crying.  I wanted to leave, I needed to run, but I made myself stay.  Feelings of anger and hatred are what I felt.  Even when I received communion I felt like I was just so angry, then of course I felt guilty for receiving when I was angry at God.  Crazy, huh?  Darn Catholic guilt.

So still I cry.  Dave asks if I am okay, and I say yes.  He knows it is a lie, but there is nothing he can do to make me feel better, so what else can I say.

Today, not so good.  Tomorrow, better?  Maybe.

Not too bad

I had lots of good stuff planned today. My best friend came over this afternoon and we cooked together, which is what we always do, darn foodies. It was yummy of course, lots of garlic. We went to the H Mart too, which is a big Asian market in Cherry Hill. It was cool and I can't wait to go back. They sell fish cake! I love that stuff.

We had Saturday morning clean-up. I guess the kids are getting used to the idea because they didn't fight it as much as usual. The house looks decent, so I feel better.

The sadness, yup, still there. I really just want my baby. I feel weird. I had a drink tonight, the first in AGES, and in my mind I kept thinking I am not supposed to be drinking. It is weird because I know I am not pregnant, but with no little bitty baby to hold my brain still thinks I am. I feel sort of empty, but not like you would think, not like my whole world is ending, but just like my guts are gone. Anyone who has had a baby knows that empty feeling, but it is different. Empty, but not AS empty as you feel when you go to 39+ weeks. I don't feel like my intestines are going to fall out of my abdomen, but still like something is missing. Definitely a part of me is gone.

I wonder when I will feel normal again, maybe I never will.

Small steps

I went to the grocery store today.  It only took a week to decide I should do it.  Well, I shouldn't have, but someone had to and I don't think David was going.  I saw one person I know, I said hi and left it at that.  He asked how I was doing and I stumbled I wanted to say, 'sad' but instead I said, 'okay.'  Why do we lie like that?  I am not okay.  I have been down all day today, so why do I lie?

My friend is coming over tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  We get together every few weeks and hang out.  Tomorrow is tapas, shrimp, beef and garlic...yum.

Even the littlest things...

seem overwhelming right now. I am not ready for Patrick to be ten. His birthday is Monday and we have no party planned. I feel horrible. If I were okay I could get something together in time, but I just don't have the energy.

And they think I can go back to work next week? Sigh.

And even if...

We have another child people will see five, but truthfully we would have six. There will always be a piece of our family missing.

I wish I could go back in time and figure out that he was struggling sooner, I wish there was something I could do to save him.

I don't want a box!

Today and yesterday were pretty good for the most part. We had to pick up Colm's remains today and even that wasn't too bad. His box/urn is small, so it will fit in the memory box I have.

Patrick had an art show at his school tonight, he had a water lily painting on display, it was nice and totally in his 'style'. As we were getting redy to leave I just got sad. I don't know what triggered it. But I felt so very sad. The feeling is lingering right now.

All I can think is I don't want a box. I want my baby. I want to see him grow up. I want him. So now it is a bit sad. I feel sadness in my heart, and I miss him.

Morning again

I feel asleep on the couch, I didn't plan to do that. I sat down to watch the last few minutes of something on the Travel Channel and the next thing I knew I woke up to the TV turning on at 6:30 this morning. I guess I got some good sleep, but it is WAY more comfortable in my bed.

Patrick wasn't too difficult to get ready for school, he doesn't want to go, he thinks he should get to stay home more. He needs to go though because he missed a lot of days already this year. Plus, I don't want to have to do all that make-up work with him, too much stress for us.

Sometimes I think about how I should grieve. I think about how I have seen other women react, think of their anger and their bitterness. People say to me, 'if you need anything' I have seen women yell and cry out when asked this. I have heard them say, 'the only thing I need is my baby back, and you can't do that for me.' Sometimes I think it, 'if you could bring my Colm back.' But, it isn't bitterness, it is a reality, of course I would like my baby back, but I know I can't have him. So there is no point in holding those thoughts, no point in telling people that, why cause them more pain when they are just trying to help. Of course I would love to hold my baby, to see him looking beautiful and not to have the memory of how he looked for real. But, that isn't going to happen. He is in Heaven. I know that he is, he is my only child that I know without a doubt has made it to live his eternal life with God. How can I be sad for him? When I cry it is for me, for the future I have lost, for the smiles I will not see, for the laughter I will not hear. The tears are mine, they are David's, but they are not for Colm, because he has eternal happiness. He will never feel cold, he will never be hungry, he will never fall and hurt himself. He made it to Heaven and only experienced warmth and love. How can I be sad for him? My tears are for us, and almost seem selfish, I should rejoice in his eternal life!

Foggy

Things are kind of foggy.  I think I remember something and then it is gone, my mind is constantly shifting.   One minute I think about how much I miss him, then I think of something that needs to be done, like getting the note from my midwife for my maternity leave.  And then I forget the important thing.  I have always been forgetful, but this is worse.

Speaking of maternity leave.  It seems weird to call it that.  Yes, I gave birth, I labored for 12 hours, 4 of those pretty painful to where I thought about taking some IV drugs.  But, without a baby it doesn't feel like maternity leave.  It is such a sad thing.

I didn't cry as much as I thought I would today.  It was hard, and I didn't want to say goodbye, so I didn't.  And I really would just like to have him back...my baby.  I miss him and I don't really even know him.

Weird

I guess I forgot to save what I wrote about Colm's wake. It was good, there were more people than I expected there. My Uncle John spoke and said a blessing and then he asked my mom to come and speak. She talked about Colm's box, well his coffin, and how we decorated it ourselves. It was such a good project for me, I was able to make something for him, something he got to use, even if it wasn't during his lifetime.

Today is his Resurrection Mass. I guess it is time to get ready now. I hope I can keep it together.

One down one to go

We had Colm's wake tonight. Some people thought it was weird, but I am so happy we did it. There were a lot of people there, many more than I thought would be. We really do have wonderful family and friends. My Uncle John spoke and said a blessing. Then he had my mom come up and talk about Colm's box, well really it was his coffin. It was beautiful, as much as a casket for a baby can be. We decorated it ourselves, even the funeral director and his assistant thought it was great. It was so good for me to work on it, to make something for my son.

When my om spoke there was not a dry eye in the place. I still find it amazing how many families have endured this pain. Many women tell me of their own losses, and sadly how they were treated. I am blessed to have my family and friends and to have given birth to Colm in the hospital in Trenton. The nurses were kind and respectful and gave us so much compassion. They provided us with memories that we can cherish, even in such difficult times.

Morning sucks

I wake up and try to get the kids ready for school, it doesn't work. Everytime they fight and fight, they have no choice but they think if they fight us they won't have to go. On a good day this is difficult to deal with, but now it is next to impossible. Just put on your clothes, get dressed, get out of bed. Is it asking too much for them to just do it without being difficult, just one day? Is it asking too much? Mikey has already missed the bus, I don't have the strength to finish making him get ready. I bet he is on the floor pretending to be sick, that is what he usually does.

Day 4, I think

Moments of happiness overshadowed by the complete sorrow, mourning that I have never felt. Nothing in life that I have lost is anywhere near the pain of losing my baby. Medical waste, he was referred to by someone as medical waste. He had 10 fingers, 10 perfect toes, ears that were formed, his eyes were open everything was how it was supposed to be. He was perfect in every way, except that he didn't breath, his heart no longer beat. He was much more than medical waste. I don't care that the law says he was just a bundle of cells, that I could have decided to have him ripped from my womb if I cared to, he is/was a human baby. He was not just a bundle of cells, not just medical waste, he is my son, my baby, and now my saint. Saint Colm.

Earlier I thought it was a good day, I felt saddness, but it was tolerable. But now again I feel such sorrow. I think of how he looked and how I wish I could see him in his heavenly body, he must be so beautiful. Tomorrow will be hard and I don't know if I am ready. His services will mean it is real, I will have to come to terms with the truth that my baby died. Why us? We are not perfect parents, sometimes we yell too much or are maybe not as loving as we could be, but we ar enot bad parents. We love our children, we nourish them physically and spiritually. Why our son? Why us and not some deadbeat, crack head? I try to convince myself that I did nothing wrong, but I must have to deserve such deep, deep sorry.

4:55pm
Sometimes I wonder why I am so tired, why I just don't feel great and then I remember that I just gave birth less than a week ago. I forget because I don't have the baby to hold in my arms. But, I am still indeed recovering physically from child birth and pregnancy. I need to remind myself because I have been doing way too much.

8:16pm

Dinner is finished.  I am very grateful for our community here, they have helped us immensely by bringing us meals so we don't have to cook dinner.  Considering we have just about no food in the house, this is a good thing.  We needed to go shopping the day we found out that Colm had died.  I had planned on going after I went to see the midwife, but instead I got to go to the hospital to deliver my dead son.  So, no food for us.  We have pancakes.  I guess I will make those for the boys before school. I know I will probably be awake anyway.

9:37 pm

So many things we didn't do.  We never took any pictures of my pregnant belly.  I never posted pictures of my ultrasound to my message board.  I didn't order his new diapers.  I kept putting off the belly pictures. I was going to take some at 10, 15 and 20 weeks to start, and I didn't.  I still wonder if I knew all along that he wasn't going to make it.  I still feel like it is my fault.  I should have taken my vitamin more regularly.  I should have eaten better, no sushi, no lunch meat, no candy.  I know better than to think like this, but it is so difficult not to.

10:14 pm

Again I find something that I wish I had done differently.  Colm was supposed to be my 'prefect' birth. In the back of my mind I knew something was going to go wrong.  I thought it would end in c-section for some reason.  But, no, I couldn't have something that mildly upsetting.  I get this.  This horrible death.  He died!  He was supposed to be put into my arms the minute he was born.  I was supposed to hold him first!  And even my dead baby goes to a table before he comes to me.  

Giving this a try

So I have so many thoughts going through my head since I lost my son.  I need somewhere to get them out and think and cry and laugh.  I guess this is a good way to try to get some understanding.

Today is day three since my littlest baby was born, day three since my world was turned upside down and my dreams were shattered.  You always think how sad it is when someone loses a child, and then it happens to you and it is even worse than you could imagine.  And yet, it isn't as hard at the same time.  You want so much to have them back, to hold him to be able to love him, but he is in a far better place where he will never feel suffering.  But, I am selfish and I want him...he is mine and I want him back.

The what-ifs have started.  What-if I didn't lay on my back the other day, what if I didn't eat so many Hershey Kisses, what-if I paid more attention to his movements, what-if I went last week could they have delivered him?  would he have survived?  What-if, what-if, what-if.  Did I not eat healthy enough, should I have quit exercising, was it the day I did the elliptical for 25 minutes?  How, why, was it something I did? And yet none of this will bring him back, but I so wish I could.

So now I mourn my youngest child, Colm Cornelius, my tiny little saint in Heaven.

Slumber Boat

Baby's boat's the silver moon,
Sailing in the sky,
Sailing o'er the sea of sleep,
While the clouds float by.
Sail, baby, sail,
Out upon that sea,
Only don't forget to sail
Back again to me.
Back again to me.

Baby's fishing for a dream,
Fishing near and far,
His line a silver moonbeam is,
His bait a silver star.
Sail, baby, sail,
Out upon that sea,
Only don't forget to sail
Back again to me.
Back again to me.