Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Morning again

I feel asleep on the couch, I didn't plan to do that. I sat down to watch the last few minutes of something on the Travel Channel and the next thing I knew I woke up to the TV turning on at 6:30 this morning. I guess I got some good sleep, but it is WAY more comfortable in my bed.

Patrick wasn't too difficult to get ready for school, he doesn't want to go, he thinks he should get to stay home more. He needs to go though because he missed a lot of days already this year. Plus, I don't want to have to do all that make-up work with him, too much stress for us.

Sometimes I think about how I should grieve. I think about how I have seen other women react, think of their anger and their bitterness. People say to me, 'if you need anything' I have seen women yell and cry out when asked this. I have heard them say, 'the only thing I need is my baby back, and you can't do that for me.' Sometimes I think it, 'if you could bring my Colm back.' But, it isn't bitterness, it is a reality, of course I would like my baby back, but I know I can't have him. So there is no point in holding those thoughts, no point in telling people that, why cause them more pain when they are just trying to help. Of course I would love to hold my baby, to see him looking beautiful and not to have the memory of how he looked for real. But, that isn't going to happen. He is in Heaven. I know that he is, he is my only child that I know without a doubt has made it to live his eternal life with God. How can I be sad for him? When I cry it is for me, for the future I have lost, for the smiles I will not see, for the laughter I will not hear. The tears are mine, they are David's, but they are not for Colm, because he has eternal happiness. He will never feel cold, he will never be hungry, he will never fall and hurt himself. He made it to Heaven and only experienced warmth and love. How can I be sad for him? My tears are for us, and almost seem selfish, I should rejoice in his eternal life!

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