Sunday, May 17, 2009

Day 4, I think

Moments of happiness overshadowed by the complete sorrow, mourning that I have never felt. Nothing in life that I have lost is anywhere near the pain of losing my baby. Medical waste, he was referred to by someone as medical waste. He had 10 fingers, 10 perfect toes, ears that were formed, his eyes were open everything was how it was supposed to be. He was perfect in every way, except that he didn't breath, his heart no longer beat. He was much more than medical waste. I don't care that the law says he was just a bundle of cells, that I could have decided to have him ripped from my womb if I cared to, he is/was a human baby. He was not just a bundle of cells, not just medical waste, he is my son, my baby, and now my saint. Saint Colm.

Earlier I thought it was a good day, I felt saddness, but it was tolerable. But now again I feel such sorrow. I think of how he looked and how I wish I could see him in his heavenly body, he must be so beautiful. Tomorrow will be hard and I don't know if I am ready. His services will mean it is real, I will have to come to terms with the truth that my baby died. Why us? We are not perfect parents, sometimes we yell too much or are maybe not as loving as we could be, but we ar enot bad parents. We love our children, we nourish them physically and spiritually. Why our son? Why us and not some deadbeat, crack head? I try to convince myself that I did nothing wrong, but I must have to deserve such deep, deep sorry.

Sometimes I wonder why I am so tired, why I just don't feel great and then I remember that I just gave birth less than a week ago. I forget because I don't have the baby to hold in my arms. But, I am still indeed recovering physically from child birth and pregnancy. I need to remind myself because I have been doing way too much.

Dinner is finished.  I am very grateful for our community here, they have helped us immensely by bringing us meals so we don't have to cook dinner.  Considering we have just about no food in the house, this is a good thing.  We needed to go shopping the day we found out that Colm had died.  I had planned on going after I went to see the midwife, but instead I got to go to the hospital to deliver my dead son.  So, no food for us.  We have pancakes.  I guess I will make those for the boys before school. I know I will probably be awake anyway.

9:37 pm
So many things we didn't do.  We never took any pictures of my pregnant belly.  I never posted pictures of my ultrasound to my message board.  I didn't order his new diapers.  I kept putting off the belly pictures. I was going to take some at 10, 15 and 20 weeks to start, and I didn't.  I still wonder if I knew all along that he wasn't going to make it.  I still feel like it is my fault.  I should have taken my vitamin more regularly.  I should have eaten better, no sushi, no lunch meat, no candy.  I know better than to think like this, but it is so difficult not to.

10:14 pm
Again I find something that I wish I had done differently.  Colm was supposed to be my 'prefect' birth. In the back of my mind I knew something was going to go wrong.  I thought it would end in c-section for some reason.  But, no, I couldn't have something that mildly upsetting.  I get this.  This horrible death.  He died!  He was supposed to be put into my arms the minute he was born.  I was supposed to hold him first!  And even my dead baby goes to a table before he comes to me.  

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