Saturday, May 23, 2009

Not too bad

I had lots of good stuff planned today. My best friend came over this afternoon and we cooked together, which is what we always do, darn foodies. It was yummy of course, lots of garlic. We went to the H Mart too, which is a big Asian market in Cherry Hill. It was cool and I can't wait to go back. They sell fish cake! I love that stuff.

We had Saturday morning clean-up. I guess the kids are getting used to the idea because they didn't fight it as much as usual. The house looks decent, so I feel better.

The sadness, yup, still there. I really just want my baby. I feel weird. I had a drink tonight, the first in AGES, and in my mind I kept thinking I am not supposed to be drinking. It is weird because I know I am not pregnant, but with no little bitty baby to hold my brain still thinks I am. I feel sort of empty, but not like you would think, not like my whole world is ending, but just like my guts are gone. Anyone who has had a baby knows that empty feeling, but it is different. Empty, but not AS empty as you feel when you go to 39+ weeks. I don't feel like my intestines are going to fall out of my abdomen, but still like something is missing. Definitely a part of me is gone.

I wonder when I will feel normal again, maybe I never will.

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