Saturday, May 16, 2009

Giving this a try

So I have so many thoughts going through my head since I lost my son.  I need somewhere to get them out and think and cry and laugh.  I guess this is a good way to try to get some understanding.

Today is day three since my littlest baby was born, day three since my world was turned upside down and my dreams were shattered.  You always think how sad it is when someone loses a child, and then it happens to you and it is even worse than you could imagine.  And yet, it isn't as hard at the same time.  You want so much to have them back, to hold him to be able to love him, but he is in a far better place where he will never feel suffering.  But, I am selfish and I want him...he is mine and I want him back.

The what-ifs have started.  What-if I didn't lay on my back the other day, what if I didn't eat so many Hershey Kisses, what-if I paid more attention to his movements, what-if I went last week could they have delivered him?  would he have survived?  What-if, what-if, what-if.  Did I not eat healthy enough, should I have quit exercising, was it the day I did the elliptical for 25 minutes?  How, why, was it something I did? And yet none of this will bring him back, but I so wish I could.

So now I mourn my youngest child, Colm Cornelius, my tiny little saint in Heaven.

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